Is God Sadistic or Do We Really Pick Our Lives

Yep that is my question today. None of us really know why we are here and what the whole purpose was for doing it. Some say this person of long ago made us and the Universe we live among, some say 2 big ole planets crashed and WHAMMMMMMMM we have the Beaches of Cancun and the slums of Watts. Then we have those who say we picked our life because it is how we learn the lessons we need to be what God wants us to be.. WELL THEN WHAT THE HELL WAS THE DRUG I WAS ON WHEN I DID THIS!!!!!!!!! Who in Gawds name would pick this crap to endure for half a century? The only good thing in this last 53 yrs of my life was my kids .. to bad I screwed them up so bad for their lives.. I could sit here and blame it on many things. Maybe for my Dad who decided he wanted a 15 yr old to hang with when I was a year old and he is still with her 52 yrs later which made my Mom marry someone else who could be the blame because he drug my mom thru business after business and my brother and I were with nannies more then them...orrrrrrr I can blame my mom cuz she just wasnt tuned into her kids and we both now have lives that should not be. My brother ran rampid and he never finished school and he drove a semi all his life for nothing to show for it.. I was left to grow up on my own and was not monitored on what I did .. Now I was a good kid, made straight A's but on my own time I was growing up too fast.. At 14 I was married and ready to have my first kid....Well that took care of going to 9th grade and finishing school. Not much you can do with a 8th grade education.. just ask Jethro Bodine ,Jed Clampett's Nephew..
I always liked to learn thank gawd so when I had a chance I got my GED and wanted to be a Police Officer or do something in Law. In the early 80's it looked like I was ganna make it.. I made high marks on my GED and got into Law classes. LOVED IT!!!!!! Then life kicked me in the ass again and my grandmother had a stroke. I had one more year to go before I got my chance to go into a Law career and mom said she wanted to take my Grandmother to Fl from Texas where I loved living so she could get treatment cheaper.. I could of stayed in Texas but my mom was freshly divorced and I she needed help. As the person I have always been as far as F&&k my life lets make yours better I went. I tired to get back on track and was all ready to go to UF and finish Law school.. Oh Oh wait for it wait for ittttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt BAMMMMMMMMMMMM Ass kicked again!!! When I moved to this sand covered, blue haired,orange grove,land of every type of heathen there is ,can't get 4 seasons to save your life to live thru, rain drenched,wind blown,Crap of a State I lost many semester hours. sighhhhhh so I was sent to their community college.. I was looking at at least 2 yrs of Crap classes before I could run my fingers thru Law books again. Then ...oh yeaaaaa bend over.. lets boot imprint that butt again.. my body turned on me!!!!!!!!!! Walking was getting bad and my GPA was displaying numbers like my life 0.0 I couldnt make it to my classes in time and well I wanted to quit with some dignity left. A couple years later I tried again to get some kind of degree together and was doing good.. I even got awards for the highest marks and even for the best student. So how many ass kickings can one body endure you ask.. Well lets see I started getting my Ass kicked in 1957 and it is 2009.. So far 52 yrs . Now there were many more Ass kicks in between I didnt mention but then if I did I'd have enough to make a bigger book then Kings book The Stand which by the way can be used as a pretty good step stool.
At this time of writing I am almost wheel chaired bound, one lung now and still trying to make my life better and my kids who by the way are in their 30's .. But what mother quits trying to make their kids lives better.
I know I am suppose to keep trying too because in 2005 I died on the way to the hospital from a bad asthma attack. My brother saw me die beside him as he sped to save me.. When I opened my eyes I had tubes everywhere and people screaming she is backkkkkk.. WOW I KICKED LIFE'S ASS THIS TIME!!! I didnt fade away as a failure like Life wanted me to do.. So yes I feel I still have more room for more boot prints.. Hell look at my ass.. Life has made it wider for more room. I have did business after business and they all get stomped. Even ones that are successes for others ,bomb for me. I could sit and just wait to see how much my lawyers can get for my lung I lost due to mold and hope it is enough that I can die knowing "YESSSSS my kids can have good lives now " or keep trying to make that American Dream while waiting for my last hope in life. lol I think I will keep trying.. I am a Work a Holic and could not sit on my boot print filled ass and do nothing.. plus I am very impatient well except for when I play Poker lol I can wait out a pair of rockets till hell freezes but anything else .. I need to do it and get it done.
Well let me get back to Boot Hill and see what I can do.. I do want to say one thing to whoever was able to get this far in reading this and that is DONT EVER EVER GIVE UP.. JUST PAD YOUR ASS AND KEEP GOING..!!!!!!! At least when you die they can add the words NEVER GAVE UP to the word FAILURE...